wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE