wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
good for her
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Worlds greatest photobomb
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense