Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

this is the best interaction on twitter

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.