Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.