Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands