Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Cndnsd Mlk

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

Dune (2021)

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

Just as the prophecy foretold

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny