Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.