@Contwixt

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

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@LostFelicia

My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@WheelTod

“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.

@SEvans_author

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

@Pirate_nurse

In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym

@ericsshadow

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

@Thing_Finder

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

@TweetPotato314

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

@OctopusCaveman

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive