WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

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A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.


I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.


[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what


Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes


“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.


My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..


ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?



I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.


Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes