A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes