My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me