WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
just got my engagement photos
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.