Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.