Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…