Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

My dad teaching me to drive

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.