Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Worst bar ever.
This meal prepping shit easy
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.