Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.