i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
synchronized noseblowing
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.