Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

what do you want

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Nomnomnomnom

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women