Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

A man of commitment.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap