Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

concern

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?