Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

We avoided this particular disaster

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡