Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
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Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
That was easy.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.