wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER