Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Van Gone

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

#NeverForget

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I think about this cartoon a lot.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.