WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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oh she’s cooked
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?