wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Don’t we all.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages