wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
#NeverForget
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.