wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
*cough*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.