Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics