Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

PARKOUR

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on