[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes