[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.