Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night