Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.