Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
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stop
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
ouch
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*