Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I think they could have phrased this better

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.