Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.