Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu