Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes