Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.