*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle