*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The Backseat Boys
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.