Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

But that’s none of my business

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.