*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)