Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

Brands during Pride

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.