Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.