Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

they finally got him. they got macavity

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.