Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC