Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.