Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

*orders delivery*

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.