Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE