Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I hope this email finds you in a well
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
😩😩😩
This forever.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
termite twitter scares me
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT