Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

🙅🏻

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

If snakes were wide