Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Sponch
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.