Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

based al yankovic

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Boating season is upon us.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Smallpox sounds so adorable

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army