WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
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THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
won’t smith
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?