WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.