Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.