Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

Always leave them wanting their money back.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.