Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock