Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”