Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.