WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The Assassin.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums