Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

🐦

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*