Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m sure it’s fine

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Breakfast in bed.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Brilliant!

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”