WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
HR said no more nunchucks.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.