Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Always a housemaid, never a house.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

They’re called werewolves.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .