Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

(True)

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Wow 🤣

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]