Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.