Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two