Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Finally!

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?