Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

🖤✌🏽

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

What is going on? 😅

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.