Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?