wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I’ve had worse
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.