wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
What’s so funny?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’