Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

ㅤㅤ

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.