Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see