Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My daily affirmation
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”